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Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
9:55 pm - Anonymous owl to Ron
*A bouquet of Bluebells (humility) and Purple Hyacinth (apologies) are delivered by owl along with a card that is blank except for the word "Because..." in unfamiliar hand writing.*

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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
5:46 pm
Sometimes I wonder if I could try it again and try harder this time, would it go better? Could I fix it all? Could I undo the mistakes that are so deeply etched? Could I make things happen in me and others? By sheer force of will could I do good things for myself?... Sometimes I wonder, but not so much anymore.

current mood: thoughtful

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Monday, December 27th, 2004
9:37 am - New year's plans?
It's almost the new year once more. I want to go out and celebrate somehow. Would anyone be interested in going about with me on New Year's Eve? There's a lovely jazz club here in Diagon that I know is doing something. Nearly every restaurant, club, or bar will be.

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
10:35 pm - So you know I'm still here
Things are going decently. I'm very wrapped up in work, as always. However, I am more than willing to make time for visits from friends. I do miss you all, so send me an owl or comment here if you'd like to get together for a bit.

current mood: content

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10:02 pm - (Private)
They say time heals all wounds. I seem to disprove that by the day. My outlook isn't getting any better, but I think I've found the inherent flaw in the theory of time's ability to heal. I think that phrase assumes that one has time within the days and hours of one's life to contemplate what was wounding and work through it. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury. Between training, waitressing, and the 'outside project' I am lucky to get 3 hours of sleep per night. I choose this, though, and I must not forget how willing it all is... How willing I am to run from my problems in the guise of work and alertness draught. You know, after a few days of potion-induced sleeplessness, I can't even keep my mind on Dorian or Graham or Ron for more than a few moments. It's work, work, work on the brain and nothing else. It's beautiful. It's 7th year but with more homework. It's home.

But I'm away from home again tonight. I slept 12 hours straight after 6 days awake... And it hurts. Everything inside just feels torn, empty, vacant. I know I should be researching, taking notes, spending time with Crookshanks and Cassiopeia, but I'm not. I'm sitting here curled in my chair and pouring myself onto these keys just to stop myself from crying. It's so silly. So weak. So childish. So lonely.

I just hope Draco's all right at home. I hope that he's not being made a puppet. I hope sometimes he thinks of me with less than contempt. I hope he knows that the only hatred I bear to his house is to his father. I hope he remembers Paris and doesn't gag. I hope he knows all he did for me. I hope he knows he was the first to really make me feel attractive, feminine, and nearly carefree... This is stupid of me. He hates me, and I must accept it even if I think the change wasn't willing. I have no choice. He's gone.

I hope Graham knows how he's hurt me; how cold it was to just stop contacting me and expect me to take it. I hope he understands how it feels to lose your first love in a revelation instead of a fight or discussion; to suddenly realize that 6 weeks of silence means the end. I hope he realizes that I waited until I was in love, and that I loved him so much that night; that I still love him; that I miss holding him; kissing him. I hope he feels just an inkling of the pain I do. Most of all I hope he is happy with whatever he's doing. I wish I could see him again... No, I don't. It would just hurt more. He's gone.

I wish I could heal the wounds I've inflicted on Ron. I never even realized what I was doing until it was done to me. But when I felt that heartbreak and saw his eyes, the eyes that I had dimmed in a sibling comparison nearly a year ago, I knew what I had done to him. I wish I had loved him back. I wish the feelings I had in second year all the way until seventh year had continued until he was ready to tell me how he felt. I wish there were sparks when we kissed, because he was so good to me. More than I deserved. More than I could've hoped for, and I was so careless with him. Going out with him and falling asleep in Dorian's bed. I was callous, cold, unmerciful, and ultimately undeserving of such a good man. I just wish now that I felt I could be near him or that I could even think he wanted me near him. He doesn't, and understandably so. He's gone.

They're gone, and I'm gone. I just wonder how long time is going to take to heal me. Everything's harder while I'm frantically holding myself together. Everything's harder when I'm all alone. So alone.

current mood: lonely

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Friday, October 8th, 2004
7:36 pm - Finality
Graham and I have broken up officially. I went and talked to him tonight just to confirm the suspicions I've had for a few weeks now. Even I can't dismiss two months without a visit. Some people's apathy and lethargy can extend even over love it seems.... if he ever loved me at all. I couldn't be involved with someone who so blatantly disregards visiting (or even owling) me for stretches as long as that. I don't know why I didn't go over there sooner, as soon as I first admitted it might be over. I do know, actually. I didn't go because I didn't want it to be true, but you can't run forever from the truth.
So, to those of you that still read this sporadically updated journal, I am once more sans attachment.

current mood: broken

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Thursday, October 7th, 2004
6:45 pm
I've taken up a name on the messenger, since I'm home more often than not and it's quicker than owls. AlmostAuror if anyone wants to talk.

Work is going well.

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Saturday, September 25th, 2004
9:30 pm
You know the feeling that your life is just passing you by while you're busy? I've been busy for over a year now and I just woke up (was violently shaken up) from the world of work and research to make some painful realizations. A whole string of them, in fact. At any rate, owls and visits are welcome, but I may not be quite chipper for a while. I think I'll actually benefit from visitors. They'll force me to move past this emotional wall I seem to have hit.

current mood: distressed

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Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
12:21 pm - As potentially dangerous as this is, it's also potentially fun...
Leave a comment with your name if you want to know what I really think of you, and I'll reply and tell you. No lies, all honesty.

Post it in your journal after I do yours so I can see the reverse.

current mood: curious

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Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
11:29 pm - Examinations (thankfully) over.
I think I did well. The 4 days of study helped a lot. Sorry for my rather snippy last post.

I do miss seeing certain people on a regular basis. Hopefully, you know who you are and will get in touch with me. For now I think I deserve some sleep. Good night, everyone.

current mood: relieved

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Thursday, August 26th, 2004
2:47 pm - Nice of them to give notice.
Apparently, I have year-end evaluations on Monday. Not much time to review, and no idea what I'll be tested on. Because of this, I'll be locked in my flat from now until then (except the hours I'm in the office tomorrow). Please don't disturb me, as you know how I can be in the days leading up to important tests.

current mood: stressed

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Monday, July 12th, 2004
8:20 pm - Overachievers' Annonymous
It seems that aurors are required to take 2 weeks of vacation per year unless their services are direly needed. The purpose of it is "to relax so that we come back refreshed, alert, and ready for the challenges ahead" or so my superior says. Despite my explanation that I felt perfectly fine and wasn't technically an auror yet anyway, he is forcing me to take leave. As I started in September, I must take it by then so the tentative dates are 2-13 August, though with weekends it's actually 31 July- 15 August.

I haven't a clue what I should do with this time. I have a bit of spare money if I wish to travel, but I wouldn't know to where. Mum and Dad might like a visit but my room at home it mostly just stacks of books, not really livable. If anyone has any suggestions they would be much appreciated.

Maybe Dorian is right and I "have no idea how to take a vacation."

current mood: thoughtful

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Monday, May 24th, 2004
9:14 pm - Official Picnic day/time
So unless this clashes horribly with everyone's schedule, I figured the picnic would be at 3:30 or so on Saturday at the little park by the Hogsmeade library. Everyone can bring a something to eat and we can all share! It'll be great to see you all again.

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
5:33 pm - Picnic Update
I'm thinking either this Saturday or a week from it. Does anyone have preference as to when? Can you all make it? Any ideas on a location? Let me know.

current mood: excited

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Thursday, May 6th, 2004
9:36 pm - A suggestion to all.
It's nearly Summer, and I've just realized that I've been too busy to notice most of the year. It seems all a blur, and I'm only getting busier... We should arrange a gathering of some sort, since I haven't seen most of you in one place since school or my birthday. What do you think?

current mood: busy

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Sunday, April 18th, 2004
10:55 pm - Oh dear
It's been an entire month since I posted. I didn't notice that I had let it lapse for so long. Hopefully, nobody has been checking it regularly. In any case, I've remembered it now. Work has been a bit chaotic with much more taking notes on meetings, synthesizing surveillance reports, and other grunt work. Some of the others in the office are saying that I'm handling it well though, which is a nice encouragement. Besides work, I've just been spending time at home. Though I did go to the muggle theatre to see a lovely production of "All's Well that Ends Well" recently.
I suppose there's not much else to report. How are all of you?

current mood: forgetful

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Thursday, April 1st, 2004
8:18 pm - Owl to Ron
Dear Ron,
This is my Cassiopeia. I hope she found you in good time. She's only really used to going to a few places so far.
Anyway, I do hope that you, Harry, and I can get together soon. Dinner or a quidditch match perhaps? Let me know when is good for you both.
In the mean time, stop by the cafe whenever you like, though I only work 3 nights and 1 day per week now. I really do miss the company.
Hermione

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Thursday, March 18th, 2004
8:56 am - Dragging.
I am exhausted. Trina got sick yesterday morning, so I had to work St. Patrick's Day by myself. I thought there would be a drunken brawl from the table of young men in the corner when I announced last call, and a very old, very drunk man kept winking at me. I didn't get home until 3 in the morning and barely made it into the office on time.
Can I be sick next year?

current mood: exhausted

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Thursday, March 4th, 2004
10:49 pm
Neville,
Could we have lunch together or get a drink after work? I have something I'd like to ask you about. Thanks.

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Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
8:23 pm - Cassiopeia
Well I finally got an owl of my own. Her name is Cassiopeia and she is an Asio flammeus, or Short-eared owl. She's beautiful and so far is getting on well with Crookshanks. I'll most likely write more letters now. Would anyone like me to send her your way with a note?

current mood: pleased

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